While I am thankful for the wonderful things that infertility has made me realize about myself (like how much stronger I am than I realized, how resourceful I can be when I need to be, etc) there is something I realized today than I am not so proud of. Infertility has made me realize that I can be a very selfish person.
For awhile now, I have been so annoyed with women who I hear yelling at their children. I never stopped to think that maybe that woman didn't mean to raise her voice that loud and was possibly upset with herself more than I was with her outburst. Or the fact that I will see women's blogs who are saying they are infertile after only trying for a few months and I get irritated. I don't feel like they have gone through as much as I have. Or the woman who has tried to get pregnant for years but has not yet tried IUIs or IVF, I sometimes wonder what in the world is taking them so long to try these things. Even with all of these terrible thoughts than pop into my head from time to time, it wasn't until today that it hit me full on that I am a very selfish person.
It started with a simple conversation with my best friend about the lack of ultrasounds that insurance will provide while a woman is pregnant. Trying to make a bad joke about my anal tendencies, I said "I wish they would give people like me more ultrasounds after all we have gone through to get pregnant." Sadly, when I said this I had no idea how bad that might sound to anyone but myself. I didn't realize that it could have sounded like I was implying that I will care about my future children more than someone who got pregnant easily. I didn't realize that it might sound like I was saying my concerns are more important than others'. But that is where the major problem is, I didn't take a moment to realize how others might feel. I have been so consumed with baby making for the last few years, its a wonder that anyone still talks to me. Just because others might not have as much difficulty getting pregnant as we do does not mean that they don't have other issues in their lives. And those issues are just as big for them as not having a baby is to us.
I realized today that I have not been a good family member and friend for awhile now. I want to thank everyone who has supported me and loved me these last few years (or really my whole life) as I realized today that it must not be easy at times. Starting today, I will start making more of a conscious effort to take time to think of others before talking. Or more importantly, I think its time I do a little more listening and less talking.
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I can understand how engulfed one gets in IF, unfortunately it happened to me too. I did alienate most of my friends and family especially during my IVF cycle as this was the only thing on my mind and the only topic I could talk about. But you are absolutely right that it is important to try to think about others and listen more. I'll have to work on that too :)
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up too much, sweetie. I think we are all a little guilty of being selfish while go through infertility and all of the procedures that go into it. I too find myself forgetting that others have troubles too and that they need just as much support as I do, and I have to bring myself back down to earth and remember to check in with them and see how they are doing. In fact, this weekend I re-connected with 4 of my close friends that I sort of alienated while I was going through IVF. I didn't realize it at the time...but realized it this past week...I knew I needed to "extend the olive branch" and let them know I was thinking of them. Thank goodness good friendships are resilient!!!
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